ASP.net|论坛 [译学探讨]2006—1译林杂志<消失的踪影>中的几处可商榷的译文

yrj_2001_0000 - 2006-1-10 16:06:00

作者：乃鼎斋无机客（http://tensor.blogms.com）

因为在网络上只能找到<消失的踪影>的第一章原文,本人只能谈谈第一章译文中的一些可改进之处.因为本人非英语科班出身，而且现在仅为一名工科专业的研一学生，下面的探讨难免有失当之处，如若各位大人肯指点一二，我将不胜感激，也将认真听取意见，以期提高自己的翻译水准。

1. 原文: With only nine shopping days until Christmas, Diane Estevez and I were scheduled to make the short flight over the Rockies to Las Vegas for a weekend professional workshop—Diane, I suspected, was pretending to be much more enamored of EMDR than she really was—and Hannah was generously providing coverage for our clinical psychology practices while we were away. Without coverage, we couldn't go.

张先生的译文: 离圣诞节只剩下九个购物日,我和黛安娜·埃斯特维茨计划经落基山山脉飞往拉斯韦加斯参加一场周末专题研讨会——黛安娜似乎对眼动脱敏与再加工很感兴趣，但我猜那更多是装出来的——汉娜则会好心地在我们离开时，替我们揽下诊所里所有的心理诊疗事务，否则我们是走不了的。

意见：1.“计划经落基山山脉飞往拉斯韦加斯”与“make the short flight over the Rockies to Las Vegas”存在什么差别？一是拉了个“short”，二是对“over”这词的理解的偏差。原文中的意思是飞机航班会飞过落基山，到达拉斯韦加斯。而张先生的译文会令人误解为飞机航班会停靠于落基山山脉，再飞往拉斯韦加斯。山脉上能停飞机吗？

2．“黛安娜似乎对眼动脱敏与再加工很感兴趣”楞是让人看得别扭，比我自己所学的专业的文献还要晦涩。何不在文中直接应用“EMDR疗法”，然后在注释中解释名词的涵义。（最好能把英文缩写代表的具体单词查找出来，当然这可能要费一番功夫了，但幸好我们现在有网络。）

我的改译：“距离圣诞节仅剩下九个购物日，我和黛安娜·埃斯特维茨计划搭乘短线航班，飞越落基山脉，到拉斯维加斯参加一场周末举办的业务研讨会——黛安娜似乎对EMDR疗法很感兴趣，但我猜想那更多是装出来的假象——在我们离开时，好心的汉娜则会接下我们的诊疗业务。没有她的帮忙，我们绝对脱不开身。”

2． Diane had switched our Frontier flight the next day from noon to the cusp of dawn so that she could cram in a few additional hours getting intimate with some dice,

张先生的译文:”黛安娜把我们在边界航空公司订的航班从第二天中午提前到大清早,这样就能挤出几小时玩骰子了,”

意见：何谓” 挤出几小时玩骰子了”? 为什么不把意思解释清楚呢？难道黛安娜在旅馆套房里自己玩骰子？

我的改译：黛安娜已经把我们在“边界”航空公司订下的第二天的航班从中午挪到了大清早，那样她就可以挤出几个小时，到赌场和骰子们亲热一下。

bruceyew - 2006-1-26 13:41:00

>>Diane and I followed a flagstone path down the side past a hedge of miniature lilacs that stood naked for winter.
>>黛安娜与我顺着一条石板道走下去，路过一丛小小的丁香花，花儿正在室外迎对着寒冬的来临。

您的理解也是错误的。园艺里，miniature (lilacs)是有特别含义的，特意培育出的比原本为小的样本，一般就叫做miniature ***，例如miniature rose，微型月季（钻石月季）等。微型丁香（没有对应的中文译名，姑且如此翻译）是近些年美国很流行做bush和hedge的植物，它比普通的（紫）丁香来得矮小、容易修剪，所以很受家庭和小型庭院喜欢。hedge是树篱，一般是沿着道路或园林中的分割栽种的。另外，丁香是落叶灌木，冬天来临时叶子都掉干净了，这个就是naked的意思。

>>My cautious incursion was apparently way too timid for Diane; with an NHL-quality hip-check she moved me aside and grabbed the knob.
>> 她像名职业曲棍球手那样，用屁股将我强顶到一边，一把攥住了门把手。

我觉得这里你把hip-check这个曲棍球的专有动作给翻译丢了，hip check是臀部阻截，意思是用屁股（不太雅:P）外侧正面冲撞对方有球队员的动作。另外，NHL的水准可不只是职业曲棍球手的水平，就好比NBA的水平不是普通职业篮球手可比一样，直接用NHL加注释的话，效果也许好很多。如果是我，我会翻译为“她用一个NHL水平的臀部阻截把我顶到旁边，伸手攥住门把手。”

说到翻译，我觉得如果能少些功利心对待这件事情，多些谦虚的态度多问多查，得到的译文会好得多。

我也是个翻译爱好者，有兴趣的朋友可以在msn上找我：bruceyew@hotmail.com。

yrj_2001_0000 - 2006-1-26 16:53:00

呵呵,楼上提出的批评有理,小人的确知识面有限,翻译错误.

yrj_2001_0000 - 2006-1-10 16:07:00

3 Diane and I followed a flagstone path down the side past a hedge of miniature lilacs that stood naked for winter.

原译文：我和黛安娜沿着一条石板路走下去，路边一小丛丁香花正赤裸裸地等待着寒冬的到来。

意见： “丁香花正赤裸裸地等待着寒冬的到来”？我倒想问下译者，丁香花怎么赤裸裸？莫非它们平时是穿衣服的？大概译者给家中的花儿特意定做服装吧。

我的改译：黛安娜与我顺着一条石板道走下去，路过一丛小小的丁香花，花儿正在室外迎对着寒冬的来临。

4 Hannah had apparently been missing her clinical appointments since at least nine o'clock that morning.

原译：显然，汉娜至少错过了上午九点后所有的预约。

意见：句子语序改动较大，

我的改译：显然，至少从那天早上9点起，汉娜就错过了所有的预约。

5 The woman with the orange Roseanne Roseannadanna hair appeared behind us in the narrow hallway. Despite the fact that she was balancing on tall, chunky heels, she still had to gaze up at an acute angle to look Diane in the eyes.

原译：狭窄的走廊里，那个一头罗莎娜·罗莎娜达娜式橙发的女人出现在我们身后。虽然踩着又高又粗的鞋跟，但要看到黛安娜的眼睛，她还是得仰起头，保持锐角角度。

意见：这一句最能说明张先生的翻译水准，准确方法还是可以的，但在文章微妙之处的传递方面、以及对译入语的表达还有所欠缺。此处，“橙发”何谓？另外，作者在这里幽默地讽刺了一下那个橙色头发的女人的矮个子，请问读者，你从张先生的译文中读得到那种讽刺吗？

我的改译：在狭窄的走廊里，那个留着一头罗莎娜·罗莎娜达娜样式的橙色头发的妇女出现在我们身后。尽管她脚上踏着一对又高又厚的鞋跟，她依旧得高仰起脑袋，保持角度，那样才能正视黛安娜的双眼。

（请原谅我，在以上的译文中还未将balance这个词的感觉翻译出来，望高手指点）

yrj_2001_0000 - 2006-1-10 16:07:00

3 The woman's voice was part annoyed, and part something else. Concern? Fear? I wasn't sure.

原译文：这女人口气中不只有些恼怒，还有些别的什么，关心？害怕？我不知道。

意见：这里，“I wasn't sure.”中的“sure”到底何解，大家该清楚吧。

我的改译：这女人的嗓音中不只有恼怒，还有些别的情绪。担心？还是害怕？我没法确定。

4 My cautious incursion was apparently way too timid for Diane; with an NHL-quality hip-check she moved me aside and grabbed the knob.

原译：…… ；她以美国曲棍球联合会级别的力量用屁股把我顶到一边，握住手柄。

意见：这里又不得不再次谈到译文中出现专有名词的情况了，“以美国曲棍球联合会级别的力量”，谈不上不信，但“达”和“雅”就欠缺了。另外，“门把手”与“手柄”是有区别的。还是用大家惯用的称呼比较好，毕竟译者是在为广大的读者服务。

我的改译：……；她像名职业曲棍球手那样，用屁股将我强顶到一边，一把攥住了门把手。

5 The door slid right open.

原译：门徐徐开了。

意见：在一章的末尾，我碰到了一个不可容忍的错译。“slid right open”这里的right是什么意思？稍微有些英语基础的大概都能明白。张先生的译文可说是与原文意思恰好相反。

我的改译：房门一下敞开了。

yrj_2001_0000 - 2006-1-10 16:09:00

Missing Persons Excerpt

A girl was missing.

In any other town it would have been local news. Even here, on any other day, it might have been just local news.
   But it wasn't any other town.
   It was Boulder.
   It wasn't any other day.
   It was Christmas.
   And a girl was missing.
   Again.
   God.

Chapter One

   The fact that I was sitting with Diane behind Hannah Grant's office at 6:30 on a mid-December Thursday evening meant that I'd already lost the argument we'd been having since she yanked me out from behind my desk five minutes earlier. She killed the ignition on her Saab and summed things up for me anyway. "We can't leave in the morning if we can't reach Hannah. It's that simple."
   She was right.
   With only nine shopping days until Christmas, Diane Estevez and I were scheduled to make the short flight over the Rockies to Las Vegas for a weekend professional workshop—Diane, I suspected, was pretending to be much more enamored of EMDR than she really was—and Hannah was generously providing coverage for our clinical psychology practices while we were away. Without coverage, we couldn't go.
   Diane had switched our Frontier flight the next day from noon to the cusp of dawn so that she could cram in a few additional hours getting intimate with some dice, and Hannah needed to consent to the slight change in plans. But Hannah—whose adaptive lassoing of her myriad OCD symptoms typically dictated that an unreturned phone call caused her a degree of psychological discomfort equivalent to the physical distress of a sharp stone in her shoe—had failed to return three different messages from Diane since breakfast.
   "Is that her car? Do you know what she drives?" I asked. The only other car in the tiny lot was a silver Volkswagen Passat.
   "Looks like hers." Diane offered the comment with a slightly sardonic lilt, and I assumed that she was referring more to the car's pristine condition than to either its make or model. In stark contrast to the spotless Passat, Diane's Saab was covered in the gray-beige film that adheres to virtually every moving vehicle in Colorado after any slushy late fall snowstorm, like the one we'd had the previous weekend.
   I stepped out of Diane's car and peered into Hannah's. No clutter on the console. No errant French fries on the floor. No empty Diet Coke can in the cup holder. In fact, the only indication that the vehicle hadn't just been hijacked from a dealer's showroom was a copy of Elle, still in its plastic sleeve, on the backseat.
   The mailing label on the magazine read "H. Grant," and was addressed to the Broadway office. The code in the corner indicated that the subscription would terminate the following April. "It's hers," I said.
   Diane had joined me beside the Passat. "Hannah reads Elle?"
   My own reaction was a little different; I was thinking, Hannah leaves magazines in her car? Shame! I said, "I think you're missing the point. It means she's inside with a patient. She'll return your call when she gets a minute."
   "I don't know about that. I'm getting a feeling," she said. "And not a good one."
   "About Hannah?"
   "A little, but more about Vegas." Diane's tone was somber. She took her craps seriously. "Let's go inside," she said.
   Hannah was a clinical social worker and her therapy practice was in one of the old houses aligned on the side of Broadway closest to the mountains, only a few blocks from the Pearl Street Mall. The cumulative force of more than a decade of migration by psychotherapists had allowed mental health types to usurp most of that particular urban habitat from sundry lawyers and accountants who had previously set up shop in the houses—some grand, some not—in the row. The uprooted professionals had moved to less charming but eminently more practical spaces in the modern buildings recently erected to fill parking lots a few blocks away on Canyon Boulevard.
   The back door of the single-story house was locked. Diane and I followed a flagstone path down the side past a hedge of miniature lilacs that stood naked for winter. We made our way to the front of the building and strolled up a few stairs into a waiting room that had probably been the home's original parlor. On the far side of the lamp-lit room a thirties-something woman with an astonishing quantity of frizzy hair was sitting on a green velvet settee reading a copy of Yoga Journal while munching from a bag of Cheetos. I noted that she checked her wristwatch after she glanced up at us.
   I also noted that her fingertips were almost the exact same color as her hair.
   "Which office is Hannah's?" I whispered to Diane. I'd never been in the building before. Hannah was one of Diane's close friends; I had no doubt that Diane knew which office she occupied.
   "Down that hall on the left. The one on the right is Mary's."
   "Mary" was Mary Black, M.D., a psychiatrist who without benefit of fertility concoctions had given birth to triplet boys only a few weeks before, on Thanksgiving eve. Both Mary's extended maternal adventure and her extended maternity leave were in their earliest stages, which meant that Hannah was without doubt going to be working alone in the building for a while.
   Diane stepped down the hall toward the offices. "Look," she said.
   Stuck into the jamb of Hannah's office door were four folded notes. Two were addressed to "Hannah," one was addressed to "H. Grant," and one was intended for "H. G." Diane picked the one addressed to "H. Grant." It appeared to have been written on the back of a page from a daily calendar of unintentionally humorous quotations by the second President Bush.
   "What are you doing, Diane?" I blurted. "Those are probably from patients. You can't read them."
   Without even a microsecond of indecision Diane rejected my protest. "Of course they're from patients. That's the point," she said. She glanced at the first note, handed it to me, and said, "Look, Hannah missed her one o'clock." Next, she grabbed the paper that was addressed to "H. G." "And see? She missed her 4:30, too. How come she's missing all her appointments if her car's here? Huh? How the hell do you explain that?"
   I didn't know how to explain that.
   The other two notes were from patients whose therapist had stood them up earlier in the day. Hannah had apparently been missing her clinical appointments since at least nine o'clock that morning.
   The woman with the orange Roseanne Roseannadanna hair appeared behind us in the narrow hallway. Despite the fact that she was balancing on tall, chunky heels, she still had to gaze up at an acute angle to look Diane in the eyes. "Are you here to see Hannah?" she asked. "I have a 6:15 appointment. Every Thursday. She's never late."
   The woman's voice was part annoyed, and part something else. Concern? Fear? I wasn't sure. But her point about Hannah's reliability was well taken. Hannah's obsessiveness was legendary among her friends and colleagues. She was never late.
   Never.
   I'd begun tasting acid in my throat; I had a bad feeling, too. Though, unlike Diane's, mine had absolutely nothing to do with dice. I tapped lightly on Hannah's office door with my knuckles. My cautious incursion was apparently way too timid for Diane; with an NHL-quality hip-check she moved me aside and grabbed the knob.
   The door slid right open.

yrj_2001_0000 - 2006-1-10 16:11:00

请各位大哥大姐多提提意见,

PS: 如果有什么小说翻译的机会,小弟很乐意接受.

yrj_2001_0000 - 2006-1-10 16:31:00

补充一点: 黛安娜已经把我们在“边界”航空公司订下的第二天的航班从中午挪到了大清早，那样她就可以挤出几个小时，到赌场和骰子们亲热一下。

再改译为: 黛安娜已经把我们在“边界”航空公司订下的第二天的航班从中午挪到了大清早，那样她就可以挤出几个小时，到赌场上和骰子们好好亲热一番。

yrj_2001_0000 - 2006-1-10 19:40:00

上面所写,只是针对文章文本,我对译者在英语学科的造诣没有怀疑,但是翻译是一项杂学,其中文学翻译更不仅是门技术活.

记得我在去年11月,跟以前的一个导师聊起自己在尝试翻译小说,他对我说起最近读<达芬奇密码>,以及此书翻译多么糟糕等等.(导师是美籍华人,兴趣广泛,虽不是文科中人,但还是爱读小说.)

在最后,他抛给了我一句话;"你会用中文写小说吗?如果你用中文写过小说,你可以去翻译;如果你没有,我劝你还是去找些技术翻译做做."

在与老师一席话之后,恰逢我头一次受到杂志约译稿,以及头一次被退稿.

在那些打击下,我沉下去了.

从11月初到12月底,我没有翻译过一个字.在我心中,只有一个问题:翻译的路到底该怎么走呢?

幸亏,我还有几个很热情的翻译上的网友,他们推荐给我一些书籍,一些关于翻译的书籍.

现在,我明白了.明白了翻译之道.

翻译之道,即在于何处收,何处放.

(请原谅我,在这里罗罗嗦嗦地说了这些话,但今天实在是有感而发,有话想说.)

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